Actually, Mr. Badman, we're ALIENS (or don't call me earthling or I'll set my perconchel on you!)

No, Mr. Badman, we don't practice the dubious and rare - if it exists at all - Munchausen by proxy habit. To start with, I don't drag my children to the doctor unless they absolutely have to go. I haven't thrown my babies into operating rooms or complained about all kinds of symptoms that they may or may not have.

So I think we can discount this mother being disturbed by Munchausen by proxy.

You have accused us of child abuse. Nope, not guilty!

You have suggested that we are terrorists. Nope, again, I enjoy being law abiding, thank you.

Now, it's the Munchies - again another accusation of child abuse. As I said, my children are relatively free of hospital and medical visits.

Ok, Ok, I'll come clean. I've had enough. Stop... Just stop the questions already. I confess...I am really an ALIEN from the planet Honour.

Before semiantain years ago, we didn't exist on your blue and white planet, but with my incredible changeling machine I shrank all of my family members to fit into one of your disgusting meat sacks each. It was quite claustrophobic at first, but we're used to them now and we can even make them work well. Nobody knows that we are from the planet Honour. That planet is famed for exracterating reports that stand up to rigorous scrutiny from twenty calazecs (that's roughly times one hundred) statisticians, then the reviews and recommendations are robustly examined for vested interests from the authors, and then the reports are put through a truth machine (rather like one of your old-fashioned mangles) which squeezes out anything that will harm another Honourable. Only then will a report be allowed to pass to the second level of test - the SATT. Sequestered Antipathy Thematic Test. I won't explain it because you, with your enfeebled sense of honour, wouldn't understand it.

So there you have it. Not criminals. Not mentally ill. Not trying to extort anything from the system. Not thieves. Not liars. Not with anything particular to gain from educating our young, except educated young. Not anything else that will come to light as more information oozes from various sources.

We're just aliens. We must be aliens because I certainly cannot understand why, while following our duty to provide an education for our children and doing our best to raise honourable human beings, we are under such sustained and deliberate attack. You would think these humans have abandoned the Human Rights Act. You would think public servants were masters of the public. You would think we've landed on a morally dessicated planet.

Maybe, fellow Honourables, we should secede from the planet Earth and declare that our homes belong to the high and exalted planet, Honour.

Lord knows, we need more Honour here.