Mr.
Humphrey Pumphrey-Carrick-Watson (HPCW) sits in his bureaucratic
office where he thinks up new policies everyday. It is his job.
Ms.
Coleen Clevercogs (CC) is his personal assistant.
HPCW:
"I don't like this business of homeschooling, y'know."
CC:
"I believe that in the United Kingdom it's called home
educating, sir."
HPCW:
"What? Home educating? When it's homeschooling?"
CC
coughs apologetically: "Not everyone sees it as
schooling, sir. Some home educating parents believe that 'schooling'
is what you do with a horse, not a child."
Her
boss looks at her sideways: "They all have kitchen tables, don't
they? When they let the little bl... er... young people out of the
cupboard under the stairs?"
CC:
“Home educators as a rule don't keep their children in cupboards
under the stairs, sir. The children are quite widely educated in
other places such as museums, the environment, observatories,
friends' homes, church halls, forests... The home edders are quite
well aware that their classrooms are the whole wide world..."
HPCW
holds up a hand. "Humph! But they are lazy, aren't they? I mean
'educating at home' just means you can't be bothered to get up to
force them out of their jammies and into the school uniforms..."
CC:
"Home educating parents are generally opposed to forcing their
children to do anything...sir."
Her
boss raises his eyebrows. "Oh, that kind..."
CC:
“Er, sir, since you don't seem to know any home educators perhaps
you should spend some time talking to them. It smacks of bigotry if
you just condemn people for their views if you don't agree with
them..."
"Dirty
word, at the moment, CC." HPCW shuffles a pile of papers from
one side of the desk to the other. "There's, of course, the
safeguarding issue. The most important matter in hand..."
CC:
"Naturally. But home educators are less likely to hurt their
children than are parents who 'force' their children into school."
HPCW:
“Eh?”
CC:
"Yes, sir. Schooled children are more at risk of harm than are
home educating children."
HPCW:
“Huh? How's that?”
CC:
“Well, Mr. Pumphrey-Carrick-Watson there are more schooled
children so there are more schooled children being abused. Add
to that, the fact that it would be so difficult for home educators to
abuse their children.”
HPCW:
“Ha! They can't wriggle into the cupboards under the stairs, ha! No
exercise 'cos they're too lazy to get their kids to school.”
CC:
“I'll pretend I didn't hear that, sir. It's defamation: you are
harming the home educators' reputation, decreasing the respect in
which they are held and...”
HPCW:
“I knew it was a mistake to send you on one of the Law GCSE
courses.”
CC:
“Home educators are regarded with suspicion by many people in
society so it would be difficult for them to harm their children.
There are a lot of malicious referrals by neighbours and others to
local authorities saying that the children are running wild all day
and not learning anything. It's a basic lack of comprehension of the
true learning process which occurs at all times and in all places...”
HPCW:
“So you're saying that they're all running wild – which is a lack
of care by the parents, isn't it? - but the parents are also keeping
them in stair cupboards so... I mean... It...”
CC:
“Yes, exactly, sir. There are a lot of myths and misconceptions
about home education, sir.”
HPCW:
“I need coffee.”
CC:
(handing him a cup) Of course you cannot treat home educating parents
as a different species.”
HPCW
frowning: “Why not?”
CC:
“Well, we don't do safe and well checks on under-2s as a routine
measure in our quest to safeguard every child. Schoolchildren aren't
visited in the school holidays by local authority 'monitors' and they
aren't checked on if the parent rings in to say the child is sick.”
HPCW:
“Of course not. Those children are safely at school. School means
they are safe...”
CC:
“Not particularly, sir. Do you want to see the statistics on
teachers and other school employees who have been arrested and/or
charged with some kind of abuse against children in their charge?”
HPCW:
“Er, not at the moment, Miss Clevercogs. Do you mean? Well, are
there a lot of... Never mind, schools have a duty of care that... Um,
well, yes, my nephew's arm was broken by bullies last year and the
teachers maintain that it didn't happen at school and yet...
CC:
“Yes, sir.”
HPCW
picks up a pen and twiddles it around his finger. “I think I see
what you are saying, Coleen. We can't treat home educating parents
differently. We can't monitor them because we don't monitor
schoolchildren's parents at times when the children aren't at school.
It's discrimination, is that right?”
CC:
“Right, sir. And it might activate the Human Rights Act. Families
have a right to privacy. Local authorities can enquire about the
education parents are providing to their children, but even that's an
awkward one because local authorities expect school types of
learning.”
HPCW:
“Kitchen tables. Sharpened pencils. Tests. Exams. Qualifications
instead of learning.”
CC:
(smiling) Rather a shame when, if you don't have a qualification you
don't get a job but when you do you're overqualified for it. You
can't win, sir.”
HPCW:
“Unless your uncle, Lord Wadgletter, gives you a leg up and you get
a post interning for the Home Office like I did.”
HPCW:
“Coleen, how do you know so much about home educators?”
CC:
“My sister has home educated her four since birth and I was home
educated for five years when my mother took me out of secondary
school because I was suffering from bullying.”
HPCW:
“Get your sister on the phone, would you, Coleen? I'd like to meet
her and her family.”