The Daily Grind, March 18th, 2010
Reporter: John Winston
'The government award-winning butcher, Mr. Gordon Gristle, is to head up a study of vegetarianism announced the Department of Scraps, Chops and Fillets today.
"We are particularly concerned about the increasing number of children who cannot even drink milk at school because their parents won't allow them to," said Mr. Gristle, a long time member of the British Butchers' Association. "We believe that local butchers' and dairies' representatives should visit every home to ask mothers whether or not they serve meat and milk to their children. Perhaps we should be consulting the children privately on whether they wish to continue their lives as vegetarians."
A British Butchers' Association (BB Ass.) spokesperson said: "We are delighted that the government is finally taking a proactive stance on this issue. Children are being denied good protein and animal fats in their meals at home, and we are determined to make sure that young people are receiving the best nutrition to keep them healthy and achieving."
A member of the BB Ass., Mrs June Carver, said today: "My neighbours are vegetarians, and their six kids are constantly roaming the streets as pasty-faced as poverty-stricken waifs. I invited them in for a good roast on Sunday, but they said they weren't supposed to eat meat. Never mind the parents' rights - it's the nippers I'm concerned about. Someone should ask them if they want to eat meat. I'm all for freedom of choice but forcing children not to do something as natural and wholesome as enjoying a good, healthy, tasty dinner of beef and potatoes with lashings of gravy is wrong."
The Secretary of State for the Department of Scraps, Chops and Fillets, Emmett Hamm, has announced a review into vegetarianism to report in two months. "I am delighted that Mr. Gristle has agreed to chair the review into vegetarianism. The government believes that all children should have a safe and healthy diet to ensure that they grow up strong enough to undertake their economic duties to the state. Of course, vegetarianism is an important part of the lives of a minority of families, and we support it, but we are concerned about the small number of families in which the children have rickets - which can occur when children consume no milk - in a number of serious review cases. We believe that meat-eating is a robust and family-friendly way for parents to deliver nutritious food and to bond with their children, and to help them to meet the five government objectives as detailed in the 'Five Governmental Objectives to Help Children Live Healthy Lives' white paper."
The Vegan Society's press officer, Mr. Joel Green, said: "There are plenty of alternatives to meat that can deliver a healthy and balanced diet. The review will cost the taxpayer approximately £250,000 at a time when this country cannot afford spurious investigations into non-problems.
Perhaps the government will reconsider this course of action as it is clearly not in the public interest to pursue it."